The BEST New Years

I have some awful luck with holidays. This year I got a concussion during Thanksgiving, I had the worst stomach flu of my life during Christmas and now I have pink eye for New Years. I feel like I have some pretty bad luck with these 2013 holidays.

I have come to find that New Years is not my favorite holiday. We make these goals that seldom get accomplished even though we SWEAR that the next year we will accomplish something. Since I do not drink alcohol and all of that Jazz, I don't see the point in staying up late. But before I bash this holiday and make you think that I hate it completely, there is one thing that I love about the idea of a "New Year". 

I love how I can reflect on the past year and look at all of the wonderful things that have happened to me. Two thousand thirteen was a wonderful year and I can only aspire that each year from here on out will be just as wonderful. There were some difficulties but the good things most definitely out weigh the bad. 

+ I graduated High School

+ I went a full semester to BYU

+ I kissed a boy

+ I fell in love

+ I got two jobs

+ I paid for all my Christmas Gifts on my own

+ Me and my sisters became closer

+ I went to Disneyland

+ I participated in a Scholarship Program

+ I got a camera

+ My friends went on missions (I am so proud)

+ I got a calling

There are so many wonderful things that have happened to me this year. I hope that when we come to a close on each year in our life, we reflect on all of the GOOD things that have happened. I know that some of us may think we had a horrible year, but I know that there were some good moments throughout. The saying as to, "look at the glass half full rather than half empty" has played a huge role in my life. Find the good in each year and focus on that. 

Happy New Years!

Finding Heavenly Father through Trials

I wrote a personal essay about when I felt like I was "A Child of God". Isn't it interesting that we sometimes find God through the most difficult times in our lives? I find that simply beautiful. Heavenly Father works in wondrous ways, and sometimes we do not understand the plan he has in store for us. We are always moving, forwards or backwards, we are always moving. If we are not moving towards God we are moving towards Satan. Trials test our faith, and when we lean on our Heavenly Father, our darkest moments can be brightened by His light. I can think of three examples of people finding God in some of their most difficult trials.

Number 1: Immaculee Ilibagiza
A refugee in the Rwanda war, her family was killed and mocked for being a certain "tribe". She was locked inside a bathroom for months, starved, filthy. She was able to turn her hate into forgiveness by relying on God. In her book she gives all of the credit to Heavenly Father. The miracles He worked and provided and the forgiveness and love he could give to Immaculee.

I knew that my heart and mind would always be tempted to feel anger--to find blame and hate. But I resolved that when the negative feelings came upon me, I wouldn't wait for them to grow or fester. I would always turn immediately to the Source of all true power: I would turn to God and let His love and forgiveness protect and save me.

Number 2: Elizabeth Smart
I recently read her book My Story and she talked about through the hardest thing she had ever gone through (being kidnapped) she did not feel alone. She still felt as though Heavenly Father cared about her. Just to forewarn you this book was very raw and real, it was a story of what happened to her not so much her healing process, I know a lot of people had a hard time with it and how she didn't expound upon how she healed. It is disturbing but it was an informing book so to speak. Here is what she said.

During the darkest days that I was captive, it helped me to think that someone I loved, some who loved me, someone who was a good man, was standing at my side. It helped me remember that God still cared for me, that He hadn't forgotten or forsaken me, that He was doing everything He could to help to carry my pain...It was as if, in the midst of all the blackness, I saw a ray of light. My mind focused in on it, grasping toward it as a falling man might grasp for a rope.

Number 3: Me
Three years ago I broke my back and my world was shifted in all different directions. There have been multiple fears in my life. I have thought through how the rest of my life will pan out. I grew closer to Heavenly Father when I felt like I was crumbling. From my personal essay in my own words...

There is an end to every storm, a solution to every problem, an answer to every prayer. I know the feeling of darkness. I know the feeling of being alone. I know the feeling of frustration. But, I have experienced joy and love and laughter. I have experienced life. I have watched my nieces and nephews come into this world, some with their perfect little bodies and others infected with illness and disease. The gift of life is joy. Receiving a body, imperfect or not, is a blessing in and of itself. In order to taste the sweet we must know what the bitter is. I endured through the feelings of pain. I survived through the beginning of this battle. The smile I have is genuine. The smile I have comes from the knowledge that I know I am worth something. Dance doesn’t define me. Pain doesn’t define me. I define myself. I am finding my way out of this darkness.

Heavenly Father cannot control our agency or others' but He can send comfort and love when we are going through those difficult times. Be courageous and turn towards God not only when you are struggling but when you feel that you are doing great. The more you make it a habit to have Heavenly Father the primary focus of your life, the more you will grow. The more you will be happy.

Through this mist of darkness, the Lord is still light.

I feel old...

So going from high school where dating is strongly discouraged and being put in a situation where really dating is encouraged….Hmmm that's weird? It changed so fast.

I have been thinking about this a lot because I am young and there are a lot of new things that I have experienced since I graduated high school. I remember being terrified to tell my mom that I liked a boy when I was in high school because she would give me the usual, no boyfriends talk. Which I think is completely right of her for doing so. But the feeling I would get when I liked a boy and being so dang terrified to tell mom.

Well, that has all changed. Since being in college, I feel old. Yes, I am not that old, I am quite young, but I feel like everything I do now will play a role in the future. Which it does. I am no longer scared to tell my mom I like a boy, no longer scared to bring a guy home for family dinner. I am no longer scared of boys or telling my mom about them. Interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I love it. Dating is really fun and especially if you enjoy each other's company. But isn't it so funny how something so wrong is all of a sudden so right? It is like getting married. The worst sin you could commit (intimacy) soon becomes completely okay. Sometimes I get those old high school feelings back of being scared of telling my mom the things that I feel, but it soon goes away because I know I am doing good things that make me happy.

I wonder what it will feel like when I get married? Even weirder I'm sure.

Thankful

Not living at home makes you miss the little things, so today I am thankful.

I am thankful for all my little nieces and nephews. Today we went to a Santa Breakfast where they got to meet Santa Claus and we ate some yummy food. I have fourteen nieces and nephews and things tend to get a little crazy. I absolutely love the hilarious conversations and loud noises, the sound of kids having fun, the sound of water spilling as one child tries to get water out of the sink. I love it all. My nephew and I had a very intense conversation about marriage today. He is four. 

Nephew: When you get married make sure you like the person.

Me: Okay. What if I like the person?

Nephew: That's good. you have to make sure you love the person.

Me: Okay. So what if I love the person?

Nephew: Well…you have to be friends with them too.

Me: Yeah, that is probably a good idea.

Nephew: Then you have to check and make sure that they is no one else that you are going to marry.

Thank you nephew, I will keep all of these things in mind. He has been taught very well.

I am also thankful for notes. Today for an early Christmas present I received the sweetest note I have ever gotten in my entire life. I think notes hold a very special place in my heart and I am so grateful that we are able to write and express our feelings in a more permanent manner. I would encourage all of you to incorporate at least one kind note with one of your Christmas presents. It is wonderful to write a card AND give a gift. 

That's all for now. Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! 

why I love people…so much

I just love to people watch because sometimes those are the times where you see the best in others. Sometimes, complete random strangers are the ones who teach you the most. This week I have been taught four lessons.

Lesson #1:
I was sitting doing my homework and the girl across from me accidentally left a piece of trash. As the wave of new people entered the hallway a completely random person bent down and picked up the trash without a word, threw it away and kept walking. True character.

Lesson #2:
I was walking into the library and there was a guy about 30 feet ahead of me. As he opened the door to enter the library, he looked behind, kept holding the door until I was inside. True chivalry.

Lesson #3:
As I was leaving my lecture, a guy who was a little plump around the edges starts singing at the top of his lungs a Christmas song, unaffected by those around him. Finals week is hard and stressful, he brought laughter and joy. True innocence.

Lesson #4:
As I was having a very LOUD conversation with my friend, a guy overheard and started getting to know both of us. True effort of friendship.

Yes the world is a bleak place and I feel like things are beginning to go down hill, BUT I am so grateful that I have been blessed with the ability to see the good in others. All of these unknown people are angels in physical form. I am so glad that there is good in the world. And all of these things happened within a week's time span. See the good in people.

Sheltered: Return of the Navajo Boy

I watched a movie a while back. It was very interesting. I can't say I liked it very much, but I can say it "opened" my eyes a little bit. I attend Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I grew up in Orem, Utah and the term "sheltered" has always been around the corner. Yes, it is true that I have never even seen what drugs look like, I have never tasted alcoholic beverages. I hardly saw provocative outfits at school. But the term sheltered…really? Quite honestly I am glad that I have not had to deal with drugs and alcohol and (forgive my language) skanky outfits.

I watched this movie, Return of the Navajo Boy and I am convinced that the word "shelter" is inapplicable to what I have seen and how I grew up.

This is a short documentary about a Native American family who got separated. One of the little boys left the reservation to be "taken care of". The rest of his family stays behind and they don't reunite until forty years later. All this lead to my thinking.

Don't you think that when someone uses the word "shelter" they almost use it in the sense of: you are too immature you don't know what life is really about and you don't understand that life is hard. The word "shelter", in my opinion, states that my life is somehow so simple and easy, I don't know hard things about life. Now I am not saying that Orem, Utah is the perfect place to live, and I know there are less drugs, alcohol and sex oriented things here, but that is not all that is wrong with the world. There are hard things everywhere.

I would argue and say, no. No I am not sheltered. I have seen homeless people, friends who's parents abuse them, I have seen heartbreak, suicide and despair. I have friends and family with depression and anxiety and I have seen others who lay awake at night feeling like there is no hope. I have seen friends work all through high school with just a hope to someday go to college and that hope gets thrown away. I have seen sadness and I have seen worldliness.

We seem to associate life with what others are doing. I come from Orem, Utah therefore in some people's minds, I am sheltered because I have never seen alcohol or drugs. Again no I am not sheltered, it is true that I have not seen drugs or alcohol but I have seen the hardships of life. I have even experienced difficult things in my own life. There are hard things and worldly things that don't have to focus on drugs, sex and alcohol. I read an article in my Writing class here it is if you would like to read it. I don't agree with all of the things he is saying, but the first couple of paragraphs are genius.

In all honesty I wish I was sheltered from the reality of life, the unfairness of life. Since that is not possible, then let us be slow to react, quick to forgive and hopefully one day, the whole world will be sheltered. Let's hope that one day we will not be able to remember the days of poverty, lying and stealing, the days where the world is unfair. Until then, kick some booty in kindness.

Disabilities

I sent this to my University's newspaper. I thought I would share on my blog as well.

We usually associate handicap parking and the word “disability” with those who are blind, deaf or have a seeable physical handicap and use canes or wheelchairs. Rarely do we think about the physical disability involved with illnesses or injuries. Assuming these things we disregard a handful of debilitating injuries and issues. Because some disabilities are not visible, making quick judgements can be detrimental not only to society but an individual. I broke my back at age fifteen and it will never heal, I know how it feels to be debilitated. I am attending Brigham Young University I have a handicap parking pass, I parked in a designated handicap spot in a student parking lot as instructed by the university and doctor, upon exiting my car a man came up to me asking, “Do you feel good about yourself?” and “Why don’t you save the handicap parking spots for those who have real disabilities.” There are injuries and medical illnesses that cause pain that are not visible to the eye, I am an example of this. No one can see my injury, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have one. Debilitation can come from an injury, heart problems, respiratory malfunction, even diabetes; non-visible injuries affect people. Visible or not, they are still there.

Let's Get Real Here

Okay there are some life lessons that I have learned these past couple of months…

First of all, your body is not invincible. There is no way to cram in two jobs, sixteen credit hours, a lot of studying and I mean a lot, a social life, church, and enough sleep to function. I came to college thinking that it would be a breeze just like high school…well it isn't and I am learning that I need to prioritize.

Second of all, college is the best. Very contradicting, I know. I am so glad that I am out of high school, I had somewhat of a fun time while I was in high school, but those days are gone. I do not miss it at all. I am so glad that you can start over in college. Everyone you meet greets you with kindness and I have had zero drama. If you think college is for you then I am here to tell you that I am having so much fun learning and growing on my own. If you think college isn't for you, then that is fine. I think as long as you are happy and doing good things with your life, then it doesn't matter to me if you are in college or not.

Third of all, the Lord is always there. I am a mormon, and proud of it. There have been things in my life that could not just be "coincidence". Those things are maybe for another blog post though:). Heavenly Father's divine help is just a short distance away, the distance from the ground to your knees.

And last but not least, best friends make a difference. Never in my life have I had such an open relationship with a person as I do now with my best friend. I hope we can all find a person to whom we can open up to and they love us no matter what. I am blessed to have a friend where I can act like a complete idiot (it has happened many times), a friend where I can tell them all my secrets, I can jump in the snow and make snow angels, I can cry, I can laugh my head off. I don't think I have ever had a friendship or relationship with anyone in my life where I can be me 100% of the time. I am usually at like a 95% with most people. Except for my family, no one (until now) has seen EVERY side of me. Best friends make a difference. Good best friends make an impact. And the Best best friends will stay by your side no matter what. Thank you best friend, you know who you are:).

I'm doing if for Me not to please everyone else...

For years I have been the "bigger" girl. I have thighs, boobs and a butt. I don't wear a size 2 or 4. I love food and I love going out to eat. My weight has been a struggle my whole life. If I wasn't the chubby kid, I was the muscular one. I put on muscle like there is no tomorrow, but I also do not have the genes to be a stick.

Lately I have realized there has got to be a change, and the way I think is the first place to start.

First of all, a number does nothing for you. I dislike how our weight is measured by a haunting number at the end of the scale. Muscle does way more than fat and if you are looking to be strong and have a small number, I am afraid that you will not be satisfied.

My body doesn't define my beauty. Today I read a blog post about how beauty isn't defined by size. Especially in my faith we look at the person's heart and testimony and see the beauty of who they are. Spiritual things are eternal and physical things are temporary. My body will one day be old, wrinkly, saggy, and most definitely not what it is now. I heard a story about a guy who was talking to his friend and he told him how he was dating a girl and things were going great, but she was a little bit bigger and it was bothering him. His friend, who I applaud, told the guy that his head was in the wrong place. Beauty is not physical.

So, I am going to be brutally honest right now. I am at my all time high for my weight. I am the biggest I have ever been and I am not happy. But instead of thinking, "skinny and skinnier" and thinking about my physical appearance, I am going to think "healthy and healthier". I am doing it for me not to please everyone else.

I feel like when you want to improve your body image and be happier with yourself, you need to come from a place where you are doing it for yourself. Becoming healthy, getting stronger, being happy about yourself should never be a competition with someone else. It should be a competition with yourself, you should challenge yourself and prove those negative thoughts wrong. Do more than you ever thought you could.

This is exactly what I am going to do. I have set a reasonable goal. I have given myself sufficient time to complete my goal. I have given myself a reward to look forward to once I have accomplished. I am determined to defeat my own doubts. I am determined to be healthy. I know I am beautiful, but changing your body is okay. I am determined to be happy about my body. I am going to do this.

So all those who want to join me in my adventure on being healthy, I welcome you with open arms. To all those who are content with your bodies, I applaud you, I admire you.

Mind over matter as my sister always says.

It won't be easy, but I sure as heck know it will be worth every drop of sweat, craving and sore muscle. Let's get healthy.

This would happen to me...

I must have bad luck OR I just am bad luck. I'm kidding, but really things like this would happen to me.

So I have a concussion…long story. So I will tell you this long story.

The Friday after Thanksgiving:
I wasn't feeling well and so I went to bed pretty early. I woke up sweating like there was no tomorrow and I felt nauseous. I went into the bathroom and just sat by the toilet, it was approximately too early for me to be up. I sat by the toilet for I don't even know how long. After that method didn't work I got into the shower and just sat there for again I don't even know how long.

Late Friday night or Early Saturday morning (I really don't know):
Got into bed after I took a shower and called a friend…why I did this? I don't even know. Probably because I thought that if I talked to someone that I would feel better and I didn't have enough energy to walk upstairs and talk to my mom. After phoning a friend I went upstairs to ask my mom if we had a heating pad so I could heat my back (it's broken). After she said no, I thought that I would just take a bath so my body could relax…bad idea.

After I took a bath for I don't even know how long, I decided to get out and get dressed. I got my underwear on and a t-shirt and started to feel weak and light-headed. I sat on the edge of the tub and BAM……I woke up, I don't even know how much later, choking on my own vomit. I know I am sorry it is disgusting. All in all what happened was I fainted hit my head really really hard and began to throw up all over myself then started to choke and then woke up. I washed myself off and then I slept all day Saturday.

I mean this is kind of a sad story but in a way it is funny because I seem to have really bad luck, I mean really really really bad luck with life in general. I get an F at being healthy. haha.

Today:
I went to the doctors today because my headache is persistent and after you hit your head really hard you probably should…
She diagnosed me with a concussion and she told me that I shouldn't do anything that increases my head pain, I shouldn't read, study or do my homework. Yeah, I am in college and I have finals in two weeks, that is not going to happen. With much persistence she explained to me that I have to follow these rules in order for my head to get better. I broke down in the doctor's office because I am scared. I am terrified of college in the first place and dealing with a broken back is hard enough. I am scared because I have a lot of homework that I have to do as well. My mom reassured me that everything would be okay and she advised me to get a blessing.

I could say that I believed my mom, but I didn't. I was scared and frustrated and a little bit angry. I thought that things would be really hard and I would fail and this whole semester would be for nothing. Be aware that all of these feelings are happening in about a two maybe four hour time span.

I received a very inspirational and direct blessing from my Father in Heaven. I am so grateful for the priesthood and for the people I know who honor and are worthy to hold that power. When I first received the blessing I felt loved but I didn't really feel like my body was healing.

I have a very close friend who is always there for me, I don't know where I would be without them and I am very grateful that they are in my life. I have never felt more loved by a person.

So how all these things fit together. Somehow they do, they are my thoughts. I don't know why things happen in life, I don't know why loved ones die, get ill, or why we hurt each other. I don't know the lessons that I am supposed to learn from this experience of having a difficult body, but I do know that everything will be okay. I know that I will never be abandoned and I know that I will always have angels, physical or spiritual, to guide me throughout these hard times. I can't say that I am not scared. I can't say that this is going to be easy. But my friend has shown me that there are so many things in life that we should be grateful for. I am glad that I am here and I am glad that I am able to jumble on about my life on this blog that I don't even know who reads. Thank you to those who do :).

Yes, my concussion is frustrating and yes I am scared out of my mind about these next few weeks, but as some may say "gird up your loins" "get over yourself" "suck it up" and "kick some booty". (all in a loving manner of course)

Until next post. Hugs and kisses.