Proving Bullies Wrong

I have never really been bullied in my life, and perhaps "bullied" is not the correct term, perhaps we should use the term "belittled", but whatever term you use, I would have never in my short life expected to be belittled for the first time while I was in college, talking to an Academic Counselor.

This all began my first semester of my freshman year at college when I got a concussion and was unable to finish some of my classes-because of the temporary damage to my brain. After that first unexpected difficult semester, I had an even worse second semester. I became depressed, the reason I am not sure, perhaps it could have been the fear I had of getting married at a young age/or getting married in general, or the stress I had with my concussion, most likely it could have been lingering symptoms of the concussion from the frustration of having constant headaches. The reasons are not important, however my grades for my second semester were non-existant. 

Fast Forward to fall semester of 2014

Because of my unfortunate events and unfortunate grade point average, BYU has a policy when your GPA is below a certain number you have to go talk to an Academic Counselor and make a "PLAN" that will help you improve your next semester, they have to sign off on this plan and depending on how you do the next semester they can reevaluate you and create another "PLAN" so on so forth. Okay, in theory this idea is wonderful, to have someone to help you learn better ways to study and help you improve in grades and college skills, however my experience was all BUT pleasant. I conclude that I had such a bad experience with the counselor for two main reasons, 1) at the time I was an open-major so the Counselor I saw wasn't as specialized or concerned for my behalf, mainly because there were thousands of students he probably had to deal with who were also open-majors, 2) he didn't know anything about me except what my grade point average was.

Before I went in to go see the counselor I made a plan at home, I had been going to school for about three weeks by now, we were pretty far into the semester so I had a good idea of what my classes would be like, I considered all that I had been through and I had about four back up plans if something bad were to happen....like a concussion (how ironic). As I walked into this man's office, I got an uneasy feeling about what was about to happen. He kindly greeted me, offered me a seat, and then he pulled up my file to see what was going on. 

He began asking a lot of questions, wondering what had happened my first year and reasons why I wasn't able to pull through and get better grades. The whole time I was in his office I felt that he was judging me and the fact that I had had a rough patch. He asked me how this semester would be better and I responded with the fact that I am really enjoying the classes I am taking and I am excited to go to school. To that he replied that we are all creatures of habit and if I didn't do so well in past semesters, I wouldn't really change and would continue to do poorly. I tried to defend myself by saying that I just had some rough semesters in the past and knew that I would pull through.

The meeting continued on, and more and more I sat and let this man tell me that I would never get good grades and that I was wasting my time and money going to school. He eventually signed off on my "PLAN", criticizing me that I need to quit my job if I wanted even a chance to succeed. I left his office feeling horrible about myself, I went to my car and began to sob. His words began to seep deep into my heart and I started to believe the awful things that this man had said to me. 

You can imagine how upset I was with how one of the people who were supposed to support me, just belittled me and told me I was basically pathetic. My sweet husband encouraged me to do my best that semester and prove the man wrong. 

After that awful experience and encouragement, coaching and a lot of love from my husband (husband's are great cheerleaders), I decided I was going to prove that man wrong and I decided that I would get good enough grades to be taken off of academic probation by the end of the semester (which this man told me, would never happen). 

Last fall semester was probably the most emotionally trying semester I have ever had. I began the semester doing really great, getting above 90% on all of my tests, then my husband needed surgery for a possible tumor, and things got a little bit harder, I had a rocky patch with trying to work, take care of Adam, and going to school, however I pushed through and continued to get good grades on tests and assignments. Then I unfortunately got my second concussion (this is where the irony fits in) which made finishing the semester extremely difficult. Now the semester was not easy by any means, I constantly had self-doubts, usually when I didn't do as well as I hoped on an assignment. I had nightmares about failing and having to drop out and not being able to get accepted back into BYU. I would constantly be frustrated with my husband because I was so emotionally drained with trying to do my best and succeed. It was one of the worst semesters to go through, probably the most difficult, but probably the most eye opening as well.  

I am writing this today to tell you that I finished my previous semester, and not only did I get taken off of Academic Probation, I increased my GPA by 1.5, but I proved that man wrong and I am proud of myself and I even bet I could have done better without getting a concussion.

I wanted to share this experience because I know that in life, things are hard and people can be mean and hurtful, but I have given one example that we can prove those mean people and bullies wrong. For awhile I thought that I would just be back to where I was, having a concussion and feeling pathetic, I thought the man was right about me and right about how I was a failure. But he wasn't. We may be put down, beaten-up, emotionally bruised, criticized and belittled...but I know we can overcome those negative feelings. This most definitely opens my eyes to how I want to treat those who may be struggling. I hope that throughout my life I treat those mess up, with compassion and love rather than judgement and criticism, because I know what if feels like when someone doesn't treat you with kindness. I didn't do well my first year of college and that was all that that man saw, he didn't know my personality, my study habits, my thoughts or feelings, and he didn't take the time to see that I could be more than what my grade point average was. 

Life is hard and people are mean, but we have got to prove those bullies wrong. Because they are wrong. 

-Aubrey Babcock

Motherhood is a career, a good one at that.

I recently had an assignment that made me seriously think about what I wanted to do with my time here at college. The whole purpose of the assignment was to create a plan that would explicitly describe my transition through college and to a future career. We needed to research how much we would make, how much schooling would be necessary for the career we wanted and all that "stuff" you need to know for your future career. I am not set in what I want to study in college, so I spent hours searching through majors and possible jobs that I thought might be interesting to me, I took this assignment pretty seriously and I thought it was a very beneficial assignment.

Every time I would pick a job that sounded okay and easy to write about... I just couldn't do it, I felt that any paper I would write would be in-genuine when I had already chosen what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, but it wasn't something that I could study in college. Struggling with what to write for this assignment, I decided to go to the temple. I felt overwhelming peace there and decided that whether or not I fail this assignment which won't matter in a couple of weeks from now, I needed to write down the feelings that I have in my heart. I needed to write down my feelings about Motherhood.

Here is my paper on why I want Motherhood to be my career. (It is long, just to warn you).

        Throughout my whole life I have contemplated what I wanted to do when I got older, but I haven’t really found a college career that I find interesting. Society has conditioned us to prepare for the future beginning at a very young age. As a kid in elementary school your teacher asks you what do you want to be when you grow up and as a kid, there are no questions asked, you can be whatever you want to be. Then in high school they give you a test that determines your strengths and spouts out possible career options that best suit your personality. Now in college, they expect you to decide on a major that will determine the range of careers that you can have, and it is the most influential decision that determines your future. 

          Most kids have an idea of what they want to do at a very young age; some want to be a fireman, some a police officer and some even desperately hope to be a famous rock star. Most of the time the dream job they had as a kid matures and as that idea matures those kids become college students. These college students begin to seriously consider what their future could look like, choosing a more realistic and focused career. But what happens when what you have always wanted to do with your future isn’t something you study in college. I most certainly know what I do not want to do; chemistry, psychology, teaching etc., but I haven’t found a college career that interests me. All my life all I have wanted to be was a mother. I just want to be a stay at home mom, learning how to parent and developing my homemaking skills. Now I could easily write a paper explaining any career of choice, pretending that I am interested in that subject and explain how much I want to find a future in that area,after all there is no college degree in motherhood, and yes, there are some that come close, but I would rather give an honest and genuine paper explaining what I have always had a passion for, rather than write about what I know the teacher wants to hear. The purpose of this assignment is to, “make explicit what career path you want to take and how to get there” (Transition Plan Rubric). The honest truth is that I do not want a career, and I hope that my husband will remain healthy enough to support our family as long as necessary. I am not naive and I understand that accidents and unforeseen events happen and there is no way of knowing what the future holds; however, I feel completely confident that if my husband were not able to work I would be able to meagerly support a family. Truth is, I have a professional license in Pharmacy Technician and would be able to support a family on that income, ranging from $30,000 to $50,000 a year, Bureau of Labor Statistics (2013). It may be a small income, but it is an income. Not knowing what I want to do with a major or career is not because I haven’t tried or looked hard enough. I have been in more introductory to major classes than I can count, I have spent hours searching through majors and reading about them, I have asked people about their careers and something hasn’t provoked my interest just yet. From all my personal research I have concluded that I honestly do not know if I want to pursue a college degree at this time in my life.  I fully support the importance and necessity of college and continuing your education, but I also support the idea of making yourself happy. Since my time in college I have dealt with; two major cognitively debilitating concussions, depression, a wedding, marriage, and two fractures in my back. College has been very hard for me, and I would like to take a break from it. But wanting to be a mother is something that I have always had a desire to do, and it is something that I know will bring me joy. 

Being a mother is something that all women can do and have the innate capability of doing, but when we talk about careers and futures, having the title “Mommy” is the most dear to my heart. I grew up in a family of nine children and I was second to last. I have been around babies and children since I was 9 years old, that was when I became an aunt. Children are the people I enjoy being around, they make almost anyone laugh, they are some of the most truthful human beings, and they show the love in their heart. I am interested in being a mom because who wouldn’t want to surround themselves with such joyous beings. As cheesy as it sounds, the joy of a child and having your own children sounds so much better than money or fancy things. The average salary usually ranges from lack of sleep to non-existent sleep. Being a mom does not pay by the hour or by a salary, yet it is a very hard thing to do. Day to day responsibilities include a plethora of tasks; wiping runny noses, comforting a sick or injured child, driving to and from preschool or the grocery store over and over again, staying up late to put a child to sleep, making three different meals until the child eats something, bathing a child and scrubbing them so much until that thick layer of dirt comes off of their porcelain skin. Being a mom requires daily patience as your little girl demands that you watch her put on everything in her closet and then patience as she wants you to watch her as she takes them off again. Daily tasks also include disciplining boys who have decided to barbecue their little sister’s Tarzan toy, or boys who decide to tease their older brother by unplugging his video game. The career of being a mom entails answering some of the most difficult questions while still keeping their innocence intact, such as; “Where does God live?”, “What is sex?”, “How come I won’t be able to see grandpa again?”, “Why do I not have any friends?”, “Is Santa real?”, and “Why is water wet?”. Being a mother, you may have to deal with; a bullied child, a child who contemplates suicide, or a child with disabilities. Motherhood requires acceptance towards others and the desire to help others with problems.

Motherhood may be belittled by society or by the fact that a secondary education today is considered crucial to success. It may be belittled by the fact that there are no entry requirements, you do not need a degree or need to take any classes beforehand. There is no certificate or experience required, there is no research experience or professional experience that depends on whether or not you will succeed at being a mother. The only requirement to being a mother is the ability to carry and deliver a child. Children are always an increase in financial needs, they require expenses, time, and care. You do not need a college degree to be a mom, but besides that fact, being a mother is difficult. Being a mother is a career, and a good one at that. I plan on having sleepless nights, temper tantrums in the middle of the bread aisle in Walmart. I plan on having bad days where all I want to do is cry and I am so frustrated that I feel the need to get away. I plan on days where sickness plagues my home and death seems to be around the corner. I plan on having mounds of laundry that are constantly in a stage of half-way clean and half-way dirty. I also plan on the good days, where I look back and think this was the best decision of my life. I plan on the days where time and time again family proves to be the most important thing in my life. I plan on nurturing as many children as me and my husband see fit and I plan on enjoying it. Being a mom is not something that will inevitably happen because I am a woman, becoming a mom will happen because it is what I want to do with my future and it is what I want to be when I “grow up”. Motherhood is the career that I choose to pursue.

Careers are great, college degrees are amazing, and financial security sounds wonderful, but I hope that we all realize the gift that has been given to us. The gift of having a family. Children have always been dear to my heart and something that I have always wanted to have. I am grateful that I have so many nieces and nephews to prepare me. Motherhood is a career, a good one at that.

Body Image

Today me and my husband were rummaging through my childhood photos and it brought a lot of old feelings that I had as a child and a lot of feelings that I still have today. First let me just say how grateful I am that my mom was able to preserve pictures of me as a child and all the little treasures I held dear to me, such a blessing.

Anyhow...

I started dance at a very young age, I was an active child and I absolutely fell in love with dancing, performing and everything that goes with it. But, for as long as I can remember I felt that my body wasn't good enough. I have a very muscular build and I can put on muscle like nobody's business. But I have always felt, well chubby.

I looked at these images of me as an eight year old and I remember looking at my stomach when I was little and knowing that it wasn't completely flat, and it bothered me. At EIGHT years old! Me and my husband kept looking at these photos, and I could remember that as I grew older the more I was concerned about my body and the more I didn't like the way it looked.

This has continued on throughout my entire life. The funny thing now is that you look back and think man I wish I had that figure again! How ironic.

It made me sad to see such a beautiful and very muscular little girl who I knew had disliked the way she looked her entire life. And I can see why I would have felt that way. I was told at age 13 that ballet wasn't the best "career" for me because I was so muscular. Basically, I wasn't a twig. I was also told that there wouldn't be a boy to lift me because I was too big. In my mind, I was too heavy.

Since I started dancing I have been surrounded by girls my age who have the genes of very lean legs, tiny arms and small stomachs. I was not given those genes. I have got a large booty, thick thighs, somewhat of a chest and some round cheeks to top it off. I have a lot of meat on my body.

We all know the media isn't helping the cause for loving our body image...

Comparing myself to others has been a lifelong habit. I have had multiple friends who had those model figures and I have often felt inadequate and that I didn't belong because I didn't wear a size 2 jean. But this has all been my doing. I am not saying a leaner figure is bad, nor a fuller one, comparing yourself to others is something that comes from within and we are the ones who make ourselves unhappy.

Skinny people are not their to torture us, nor are muscular ones, or fuller figured ones...we all have a body and we are all different. I have learned over the years that the I was the one who was unhappy with my body image, but I was the only one. I had such a distorted idea of what I actually looked like and it has taken me fifteen years to realize it. I can now look back even to high school and think yes, I did have a nice figure. I can now look at myself and say yes, you do have a beautiful body.

I have just come to the fact that I will not have a tiny frame or ever be a stick, I will always have my round face, my wide hips, and my muscular legs. I was built that way. Now I want to make sure I make myself clear, this does not mean that we do not exercise or eat healthy. No matter what our size, we want to make it the healthiest it can be. It has been said a million times we all know it. But being skinny or super toned does not necessarily make our bodies beautiful.

I have stretch marks on my breasts, inner thighs, and hips. I have scars on my legs arms, hands and back. I have a birthmark on my neck that either looks like a permanent hickey or I smeared a huge wad of makeup two shades darker than my skin tone on my neck. I have got cheeks that you can pinch. These all make me human. These all make me beautiful.

Our body image should be based on what we know our Heavenly Father sees. A child of God. Rather than what we see. He is the one who will show us our true potential. Our body does not show us how beautiful we are, it is how we act, serve, speak, think and serve others that increases our beauty.

May we all feel beautiful inside and out is my hope.

Divine InterVENTION

hello blog world, I have been absent lately figuring out how to be married and going to school at the same time. I have had the most incredible experience these past few weeks and I would like to share.

I got a job in May upon a request of a friend who wanted me to work with her. I was hired and I was so excited to work there. Sadly my friend needed to move on and she got a different job. I felt that I needed to put a lot of energy into where I work. In my opinion I think I should give my best work if I am going to be paid for it. I feel that I am a very hard worker and willing to put my best foot forward in the work environment. Okay, I am not trying to be all high and mighty and say I am amazing but I do think that one of my strengths is my work ethic.

Okay fast forward, I worked extremely hard at this job and put my best foot forward, I did not complain when I did not like something. Let's just say I was not treated fairly. I had been miserable at this job for at least 3 months and had been praying to see if I should quit or not.

I was extremely hesitant if I should quit because me and my husband are on a tight budget and I was bringing in the money while he was recovering from surgery. I kept on getting this prompting that everything will be okay if I decide what is best for me. I did not get an answer that I should quit my job but I did feel that I need to be in a work environment where I am appreciated and treated with respect and most importantly HAPPY. I truly believe you need to be happy when you go to work and be excited to go to that job.

I had been applying for hundreds of jobs during the months I had been working hoping that I would get one and then put in my two weeks notice at my previous job, and there wouldn't be a time where I didn't have a job.

One day I walked into work and got this feeling that I need to quit, I need to put my happiness first. So...I did. I put in my two weeks notice.

HERE IS THE BEST PART...

Ten minutes after I had put in my two weeks notice for my job, I got called for an interview with a different company. The next day I got two phone calls for more interviews. All of a sudden I was being hunted out for jobs.

I just want to say that our Heavenly Father loves us and truly has a plan for each of us. There was surely a divine hand reaching into my life and helping me with a pretty tough decision. The lesson I have learned from this experience is having faith. It is interesting to me that when I had the faith that things would be okay and I decided to quit even though I didn't know if I would get a job, I was blessed.

May us all believe in Heavenly Father's divine intervention. Let us have the faith to do what makes us happy (that which is parallel to our commandments). And let us leap with arms spread wide when we have no foresight to our future, and trust in the Lord when He says that everything will be alright!

Sincerely,
Aubrey

Feelings About Getting Married Young

So I just got engaged, which means I am going to get married soon. I would have never thought I would get married this young, but I am. I am eighteen years old. I am graduated from high school and am a freshman at BYU and I am getting married young, that is just a fact.

I am not going to lie, I now cringe every time someone asks me how old I am. Not because I am ashamed of my age or the decisions in my life or that I am getting married, but because I am scared to hear their response. I have been told that I am way too young to get married and that I am rushing into things and that I am throwing my life away. Well let me shed some light on my feelings about getting married young.

First, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and we believe that the family (which includes a husband and a wife) is essential to our purpose in life. 

Second, I do not believe in soul mates, I think that there are numerous amounts of wonderful people in the world and many of which would go well together, I do believe in choices though. I believe that we have a choice of who we get to marry and when we get to marry. I chose a wonderful man who I know will love and care for me. I also love him (which I assume is important) more than I can comprehend.

Third, I am getting married in the temple and that is as right as can be for me. In my religious beliefs, we believe that marriage extends beyond this life and is for eternity. Our temples are a place to come closer to our Heavenly Father and be sealed (married) for the rest of time and eternity. I am so excited to go to the temple.

Fourth, I am getting married because I know it is right for me at this time in my life.

I understand that there are concerns for people who get married young, and I respect your opinion if you disagree with me on anything. I just want to say that I have never been so happy in my entire life. I have never felt so at peace with a decision. I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with someone I love even though they fart in front of me or sometimes have a booger hanging out. All joking aside I know marriage is a wonderful step in life and I am so excited to take it.

For those of you who do not think marriage is important, I may not be able to change your mind, but marriage has been the most peaceful decision I have ever made in my life. There is nothing more fulfilling in my life than caring for a man so deeply and wanting to serve someone. For those of you who may not have had the chance, I believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to for you in due time.

And to all those who have torn me down and tried to defeat my decision to marry, I am sorry but I AM STILL GETTING MARRIED and am so excited about it. I hope you all realize how important marriage is and there is never a right time, only a right time for you. Marriage is going to be wonderful and I could never imagine a life without my sweetheart.

One of the most beautiful, comforting doctrines of the Lord-one that brings immense peace, happiness, and unbounded joy-is that principle called eternal marriage.

Richard G. Scott

WOW! a lot has changed

Oh my goodness have I had a wonderful week. I have avoided posting anything about my relationship on social media, and not because I am ashamed. But I will say one little thing. I am engaged and I have never been more excited to marry the love of my life. 

I have nothing against sharing a relationship publicly. The biggest reason why I haven't told anyone about my relationship (until I told the world I was engaged) is because of my feelings for my fiancé. I have a special and tender relationship with this man and he means everything to me. The experiences we have had cannot compare to anything else. Never in my life have I cared so deeply for someone. I am having a relationship with him and not with the world. 

I know a lot of people were surprised because a lot of people didn't even know I was dating. Well I was haha. I have followed my heart and I am so excited.

Thinking about these next three months gives me a stomach ache. I am taking 20 credits. And I am supposed to plan a wedding!? Okay. MOM HELP! I know it will all be wonderful though! My mom has been the biggest example to me and I am so grateful to have her. May I just say, my mother-in-law which that word is inappropriate, my second Mama (much better), is wonderful. I am going to have two of the best examples for when I have kids...yay! 

I am a pretty emotional person and when you don't sleep, that adds to your crying...a lot. I have cried quite a bit and sometimes for no reason. I came home one day and my roommates were really concerned and I was just crying for no reason. Sleeping helps contain your emotions. I need to sleep more. I have never really been a cryer until this year. Maybe I am letting it all out. I don't know. 

I just want to say that I know Heavenly Father answers prayers and I know he sends us comfort. I have received comfort throughout all of my struggles and I feel like I am grounded. 

Here is to two thousand fourteen. I know it will be a wonderful year. Wahoo!

It makes sense...right?

I am amazed about how much I have learned about myself by just living and experiencing things on my own. I feel like I have grown up a lot, but that is my opinion. I hope surrounding sources can verify my feelings. (cough cough)...Mom?

Since this blog is named in the brain of aubrey I thought I might share some thoughts that have been racing around in my head today. Maybe you will come to understand me a little bit better through this.

Let's begin the rambling...warning, my brain jumps subjects very fast. It has an average speed of 90 miles per hour.

I was thinking today about how self-esteem works. I eventually came to the conclusion that Christ, our Savior, can give us self-esteem. Seems completely logical to me. He can make our weaknesses become apart of who we are. Through the gospel we have Patriarchal Blessings, and in my life I know that that has contributed to my self-esteem today. But, I was also thinking that self-esteem can come from others and if that is true, destroying someone's self-esteem can come from others as well. Which is a very sad thought, but I have experienced it first-hand. As I am sure most of us have at one point in our life. When I was younger, I was bullied. I have forgiven those people, yet sometimes the way I view myself can be skewed. Anyway how this all comes together. I want to encourage others, I want to be known as a happy person. I expect myself to see the good in others.

Here is one way I thought in my life that I can help contribute to someone's self-esteem.

Imagine yourself a teacher: elementary, junior high, high school, college, graduate school, medical school, hair school, even a church teaching calling. Any kind of teacher. You are required to come up with a learning environment every "X" amount of days for the year. Think about one thing that would boost your self-esteem. If yours is different from mine, please educate me.

What I came up with is this...
If I were a teacher and I needed a self-esteem booster, I think knowing that the students are engaged in my lesson would make me not only feel appreciated but successful in triggering some thought in their brains.

So the challenge: If paying attention in class can boost another person's self-esteem then why not pay attention in class. To take it even further, if engaging in the lesson can affirm a desperate professor of the quality of their class, then why not ask questions that pertain to the lesson material.

For me I think it is important to look at service as not always being one thing. I know I always feel like service has to be mowing someone's lawn, doing the dishes, opening the door, carrying something, baking someone cookies or whatever. When we think about service, how awesome would it be to think "how can I make someone feel loved through my inner actions today?". I am not saying that "physical" service is bad. Perhaps the service that shows charity (the pure love of Christ) is an eternal service.

Just some food for thought.