WOW! a lot has changed

Oh my goodness have I had a wonderful week. I have avoided posting anything about my relationship on social media, and not because I am ashamed. But I will say one little thing. I am engaged and I have never been more excited to marry the love of my life. 

I have nothing against sharing a relationship publicly. The biggest reason why I haven't told anyone about my relationship (until I told the world I was engaged) is because of my feelings for my fiancé. I have a special and tender relationship with this man and he means everything to me. The experiences we have had cannot compare to anything else. Never in my life have I cared so deeply for someone. I am having a relationship with him and not with the world. 

I know a lot of people were surprised because a lot of people didn't even know I was dating. Well I was haha. I have followed my heart and I am so excited.

Thinking about these next three months gives me a stomach ache. I am taking 20 credits. And I am supposed to plan a wedding!? Okay. MOM HELP! I know it will all be wonderful though! My mom has been the biggest example to me and I am so grateful to have her. May I just say, my mother-in-law which that word is inappropriate, my second Mama (much better), is wonderful. I am going to have two of the best examples for when I have kids...yay! 

I am a pretty emotional person and when you don't sleep, that adds to your crying...a lot. I have cried quite a bit and sometimes for no reason. I came home one day and my roommates were really concerned and I was just crying for no reason. Sleeping helps contain your emotions. I need to sleep more. I have never really been a cryer until this year. Maybe I am letting it all out. I don't know. 

I just want to say that I know Heavenly Father answers prayers and I know he sends us comfort. I have received comfort throughout all of my struggles and I feel like I am grounded. 

Here is to two thousand fourteen. I know it will be a wonderful year. Wahoo!

It makes sense...right?

I am amazed about how much I have learned about myself by just living and experiencing things on my own. I feel like I have grown up a lot, but that is my opinion. I hope surrounding sources can verify my feelings. (cough cough)...Mom?

Since this blog is named in the brain of aubrey I thought I might share some thoughts that have been racing around in my head today. Maybe you will come to understand me a little bit better through this.

Let's begin the rambling...warning, my brain jumps subjects very fast. It has an average speed of 90 miles per hour.

I was thinking today about how self-esteem works. I eventually came to the conclusion that Christ, our Savior, can give us self-esteem. Seems completely logical to me. He can make our weaknesses become apart of who we are. Through the gospel we have Patriarchal Blessings, and in my life I know that that has contributed to my self-esteem today. But, I was also thinking that self-esteem can come from others and if that is true, destroying someone's self-esteem can come from others as well. Which is a very sad thought, but I have experienced it first-hand. As I am sure most of us have at one point in our life. When I was younger, I was bullied. I have forgiven those people, yet sometimes the way I view myself can be skewed. Anyway how this all comes together. I want to encourage others, I want to be known as a happy person. I expect myself to see the good in others.

Here is one way I thought in my life that I can help contribute to someone's self-esteem.

Imagine yourself a teacher: elementary, junior high, high school, college, graduate school, medical school, hair school, even a church teaching calling. Any kind of teacher. You are required to come up with a learning environment every "X" amount of days for the year. Think about one thing that would boost your self-esteem. If yours is different from mine, please educate me.

What I came up with is this...
If I were a teacher and I needed a self-esteem booster, I think knowing that the students are engaged in my lesson would make me not only feel appreciated but successful in triggering some thought in their brains.

So the challenge: If paying attention in class can boost another person's self-esteem then why not pay attention in class. To take it even further, if engaging in the lesson can affirm a desperate professor of the quality of their class, then why not ask questions that pertain to the lesson material.

For me I think it is important to look at service as not always being one thing. I know I always feel like service has to be mowing someone's lawn, doing the dishes, opening the door, carrying something, baking someone cookies or whatever. When we think about service, how awesome would it be to think "how can I make someone feel loved through my inner actions today?". I am not saying that "physical" service is bad. Perhaps the service that shows charity (the pure love of Christ) is an eternal service.

Just some food for thought.

Overcoming the power of Satan: he is real

There was a time in my life when I had a really hard time with going to church and this is going to sound bad. But if you keep reading it will all make sense. I have always known the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints was the true church. I have always had a testimony. There were times when my faith was shaken and times where I was going through the motions per say, but I know it is true. I have felt that it is true.

I never really fit in with my home ward, I was too mature for the girls my age, but I was younger than all the girls who were at my maturity level. My family has been in the same ward since I was born and everyone knows everything about everybody. I didn't like that. Not because I was ashamed, but I wanted a new start. I loved the gospel but I found church boring. This blog post has been hard for me to write so please understand being this honest is difficult. I broke my back and sitting through three hours was torture and it was easy for me to go home, I had a "valid" reason.

All of those feelings of church being boring and not wanting to go went away the summer after my senior year in high school. Coming to BYU has been the biggest blessing in my life. I grew up in Orem, Utah and needing "gospel friends" wasn't really an issue. Everyone I associated with was a member of the same faith as me. I didn't really have "worldly" problems or physical temptations.

Being at BYU has made me so excited about studying the gospel. I find so much joy in learning about  why I feel the truth and how I know that these things I learn are true. When you are progressing to become your best, Satan tries his hardest to tear you down. This semester I am taking three religion courses, and my first week of school was inspiring. I have never been so excited about the progression and gospel in my life.

I have been making some big and righteous decisions in my life and Satan knew that I was bringing up the Kingdom of God. He hit me so hard, that my life was turned upside down.

Satan attacked me.

I had one little doubt and it ate at me. It grew (within a couple of hours) and made me sick to my stomach. Feelings of doubt and inadequacy soon filled my mind. I knew I wasn't thinking right and I wanted everyone around me to go away, to leave me alone. I have never felt like this in my entire life. Spiritual impressions soon seemed like misunderstandings. Did I really feel that? Was that my own thoughts? I began to feel and rethink on all the mistakes I ever made. I was empty.

I sat in my car just staring. I didn't know what was going on. I was happy just a day before. There were things in my life that I was so excited about, there were people I loved and all I could think about was pushing them away.

My heart ached, and my insides were twisting and turning. It wasn't until I was laying on my couch with a friend sitting right by me that I realized Satan was attacking me. Satan was trying to tear down the spiritual confirmations that I have felt. Satan was angry with me because I was so happy with my life.

To this day I don't know why Satan attacked me so hard. I don't know why it was at that time. I don't know why. I just don't know why. I don't know how I was able to bounce back and realize how wrong I was in thinking I was inadequate. I still feel scared sometimes. Scared because of what is going to happen.

I just want to testify that I know God lives and I know that Satan is real. I have felt the overwhelming feelings of confusion and I have felt that pit in my stomach. I know Heavenly Father helped me overcome the power of Satan. He helped me to get the courage to say no to Satan and the grasp he had on me.

Satan I am sure will attack me again. When you do good things he is mad, he is jealous and he is miserable. I felt miserable when the light of Christ began to dwindle in my time of desperation. But light will always overcome the darkness. The sun rises everyday, diminishing the dark night. Jesus' light will always overcome the darkness of the Devil.

Satan is real, but knowing he is real, Heavenly Father has to be as well.