Motherhood is a career, a good one at that.

I recently had an assignment that made me seriously think about what I wanted to do with my time here at college. The whole purpose of the assignment was to create a plan that would explicitly describe my transition through college and to a future career. We needed to research how much we would make, how much schooling would be necessary for the career we wanted and all that "stuff" you need to know for your future career. I am not set in what I want to study in college, so I spent hours searching through majors and possible jobs that I thought might be interesting to me, I took this assignment pretty seriously and I thought it was a very beneficial assignment.

Every time I would pick a job that sounded okay and easy to write about... I just couldn't do it, I felt that any paper I would write would be in-genuine when I had already chosen what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, but it wasn't something that I could study in college. Struggling with what to write for this assignment, I decided to go to the temple. I felt overwhelming peace there and decided that whether or not I fail this assignment which won't matter in a couple of weeks from now, I needed to write down the feelings that I have in my heart. I needed to write down my feelings about Motherhood.

Here is my paper on why I want Motherhood to be my career. (It is long, just to warn you).

        Throughout my whole life I have contemplated what I wanted to do when I got older, but I haven’t really found a college career that I find interesting. Society has conditioned us to prepare for the future beginning at a very young age. As a kid in elementary school your teacher asks you what do you want to be when you grow up and as a kid, there are no questions asked, you can be whatever you want to be. Then in high school they give you a test that determines your strengths and spouts out possible career options that best suit your personality. Now in college, they expect you to decide on a major that will determine the range of careers that you can have, and it is the most influential decision that determines your future. 

          Most kids have an idea of what they want to do at a very young age; some want to be a fireman, some a police officer and some even desperately hope to be a famous rock star. Most of the time the dream job they had as a kid matures and as that idea matures those kids become college students. These college students begin to seriously consider what their future could look like, choosing a more realistic and focused career. But what happens when what you have always wanted to do with your future isn’t something you study in college. I most certainly know what I do not want to do; chemistry, psychology, teaching etc., but I haven’t found a college career that interests me. All my life all I have wanted to be was a mother. I just want to be a stay at home mom, learning how to parent and developing my homemaking skills. Now I could easily write a paper explaining any career of choice, pretending that I am interested in that subject and explain how much I want to find a future in that area,after all there is no college degree in motherhood, and yes, there are some that come close, but I would rather give an honest and genuine paper explaining what I have always had a passion for, rather than write about what I know the teacher wants to hear. The purpose of this assignment is to, “make explicit what career path you want to take and how to get there” (Transition Plan Rubric). The honest truth is that I do not want a career, and I hope that my husband will remain healthy enough to support our family as long as necessary. I am not naive and I understand that accidents and unforeseen events happen and there is no way of knowing what the future holds; however, I feel completely confident that if my husband were not able to work I would be able to meagerly support a family. Truth is, I have a professional license in Pharmacy Technician and would be able to support a family on that income, ranging from $30,000 to $50,000 a year, Bureau of Labor Statistics (2013). It may be a small income, but it is an income. Not knowing what I want to do with a major or career is not because I haven’t tried or looked hard enough. I have been in more introductory to major classes than I can count, I have spent hours searching through majors and reading about them, I have asked people about their careers and something hasn’t provoked my interest just yet. From all my personal research I have concluded that I honestly do not know if I want to pursue a college degree at this time in my life.  I fully support the importance and necessity of college and continuing your education, but I also support the idea of making yourself happy. Since my time in college I have dealt with; two major cognitively debilitating concussions, depression, a wedding, marriage, and two fractures in my back. College has been very hard for me, and I would like to take a break from it. But wanting to be a mother is something that I have always had a desire to do, and it is something that I know will bring me joy. 

Being a mother is something that all women can do and have the innate capability of doing, but when we talk about careers and futures, having the title “Mommy” is the most dear to my heart. I grew up in a family of nine children and I was second to last. I have been around babies and children since I was 9 years old, that was when I became an aunt. Children are the people I enjoy being around, they make almost anyone laugh, they are some of the most truthful human beings, and they show the love in their heart. I am interested in being a mom because who wouldn’t want to surround themselves with such joyous beings. As cheesy as it sounds, the joy of a child and having your own children sounds so much better than money or fancy things. The average salary usually ranges from lack of sleep to non-existent sleep. Being a mom does not pay by the hour or by a salary, yet it is a very hard thing to do. Day to day responsibilities include a plethora of tasks; wiping runny noses, comforting a sick or injured child, driving to and from preschool or the grocery store over and over again, staying up late to put a child to sleep, making three different meals until the child eats something, bathing a child and scrubbing them so much until that thick layer of dirt comes off of their porcelain skin. Being a mom requires daily patience as your little girl demands that you watch her put on everything in her closet and then patience as she wants you to watch her as she takes them off again. Daily tasks also include disciplining boys who have decided to barbecue their little sister’s Tarzan toy, or boys who decide to tease their older brother by unplugging his video game. The career of being a mom entails answering some of the most difficult questions while still keeping their innocence intact, such as; “Where does God live?”, “What is sex?”, “How come I won’t be able to see grandpa again?”, “Why do I not have any friends?”, “Is Santa real?”, and “Why is water wet?”. Being a mother, you may have to deal with; a bullied child, a child who contemplates suicide, or a child with disabilities. Motherhood requires acceptance towards others and the desire to help others with problems.

Motherhood may be belittled by society or by the fact that a secondary education today is considered crucial to success. It may be belittled by the fact that there are no entry requirements, you do not need a degree or need to take any classes beforehand. There is no certificate or experience required, there is no research experience or professional experience that depends on whether or not you will succeed at being a mother. The only requirement to being a mother is the ability to carry and deliver a child. Children are always an increase in financial needs, they require expenses, time, and care. You do not need a college degree to be a mom, but besides that fact, being a mother is difficult. Being a mother is a career, and a good one at that. I plan on having sleepless nights, temper tantrums in the middle of the bread aisle in Walmart. I plan on having bad days where all I want to do is cry and I am so frustrated that I feel the need to get away. I plan on days where sickness plagues my home and death seems to be around the corner. I plan on having mounds of laundry that are constantly in a stage of half-way clean and half-way dirty. I also plan on the good days, where I look back and think this was the best decision of my life. I plan on the days where time and time again family proves to be the most important thing in my life. I plan on nurturing as many children as me and my husband see fit and I plan on enjoying it. Being a mom is not something that will inevitably happen because I am a woman, becoming a mom will happen because it is what I want to do with my future and it is what I want to be when I “grow up”. Motherhood is the career that I choose to pursue.

Careers are great, college degrees are amazing, and financial security sounds wonderful, but I hope that we all realize the gift that has been given to us. The gift of having a family. Children have always been dear to my heart and something that I have always wanted to have. I am grateful that I have so many nieces and nephews to prepare me. Motherhood is a career, a good one at that.

Body Image

Today me and my husband were rummaging through my childhood photos and it brought a lot of old feelings that I had as a child and a lot of feelings that I still have today. First let me just say how grateful I am that my mom was able to preserve pictures of me as a child and all the little treasures I held dear to me, such a blessing.

Anyhow...

I started dance at a very young age, I was an active child and I absolutely fell in love with dancing, performing and everything that goes with it. But, for as long as I can remember I felt that my body wasn't good enough. I have a very muscular build and I can put on muscle like nobody's business. But I have always felt, well chubby.

I looked at these images of me as an eight year old and I remember looking at my stomach when I was little and knowing that it wasn't completely flat, and it bothered me. At EIGHT years old! Me and my husband kept looking at these photos, and I could remember that as I grew older the more I was concerned about my body and the more I didn't like the way it looked.

This has continued on throughout my entire life. The funny thing now is that you look back and think man I wish I had that figure again! How ironic.

It made me sad to see such a beautiful and very muscular little girl who I knew had disliked the way she looked her entire life. And I can see why I would have felt that way. I was told at age 13 that ballet wasn't the best "career" for me because I was so muscular. Basically, I wasn't a twig. I was also told that there wouldn't be a boy to lift me because I was too big. In my mind, I was too heavy.

Since I started dancing I have been surrounded by girls my age who have the genes of very lean legs, tiny arms and small stomachs. I was not given those genes. I have got a large booty, thick thighs, somewhat of a chest and some round cheeks to top it off. I have a lot of meat on my body.

We all know the media isn't helping the cause for loving our body image...

Comparing myself to others has been a lifelong habit. I have had multiple friends who had those model figures and I have often felt inadequate and that I didn't belong because I didn't wear a size 2 jean. But this has all been my doing. I am not saying a leaner figure is bad, nor a fuller one, comparing yourself to others is something that comes from within and we are the ones who make ourselves unhappy.

Skinny people are not their to torture us, nor are muscular ones, or fuller figured ones...we all have a body and we are all different. I have learned over the years that the I was the one who was unhappy with my body image, but I was the only one. I had such a distorted idea of what I actually looked like and it has taken me fifteen years to realize it. I can now look back even to high school and think yes, I did have a nice figure. I can now look at myself and say yes, you do have a beautiful body.

I have just come to the fact that I will not have a tiny frame or ever be a stick, I will always have my round face, my wide hips, and my muscular legs. I was built that way. Now I want to make sure I make myself clear, this does not mean that we do not exercise or eat healthy. No matter what our size, we want to make it the healthiest it can be. It has been said a million times we all know it. But being skinny or super toned does not necessarily make our bodies beautiful.

I have stretch marks on my breasts, inner thighs, and hips. I have scars on my legs arms, hands and back. I have a birthmark on my neck that either looks like a permanent hickey or I smeared a huge wad of makeup two shades darker than my skin tone on my neck. I have got cheeks that you can pinch. These all make me human. These all make me beautiful.

Our body image should be based on what we know our Heavenly Father sees. A child of God. Rather than what we see. He is the one who will show us our true potential. Our body does not show us how beautiful we are, it is how we act, serve, speak, think and serve others that increases our beauty.

May we all feel beautiful inside and out is my hope.

Divine InterVENTION

hello blog world, I have been absent lately figuring out how to be married and going to school at the same time. I have had the most incredible experience these past few weeks and I would like to share.

I got a job in May upon a request of a friend who wanted me to work with her. I was hired and I was so excited to work there. Sadly my friend needed to move on and she got a different job. I felt that I needed to put a lot of energy into where I work. In my opinion I think I should give my best work if I am going to be paid for it. I feel that I am a very hard worker and willing to put my best foot forward in the work environment. Okay, I am not trying to be all high and mighty and say I am amazing but I do think that one of my strengths is my work ethic.

Okay fast forward, I worked extremely hard at this job and put my best foot forward, I did not complain when I did not like something. Let's just say I was not treated fairly. I had been miserable at this job for at least 3 months and had been praying to see if I should quit or not.

I was extremely hesitant if I should quit because me and my husband are on a tight budget and I was bringing in the money while he was recovering from surgery. I kept on getting this prompting that everything will be okay if I decide what is best for me. I did not get an answer that I should quit my job but I did feel that I need to be in a work environment where I am appreciated and treated with respect and most importantly HAPPY. I truly believe you need to be happy when you go to work and be excited to go to that job.

I had been applying for hundreds of jobs during the months I had been working hoping that I would get one and then put in my two weeks notice at my previous job, and there wouldn't be a time where I didn't have a job.

One day I walked into work and got this feeling that I need to quit, I need to put my happiness first. So...I did. I put in my two weeks notice.

HERE IS THE BEST PART...

Ten minutes after I had put in my two weeks notice for my job, I got called for an interview with a different company. The next day I got two phone calls for more interviews. All of a sudden I was being hunted out for jobs.

I just want to say that our Heavenly Father loves us and truly has a plan for each of us. There was surely a divine hand reaching into my life and helping me with a pretty tough decision. The lesson I have learned from this experience is having faith. It is interesting to me that when I had the faith that things would be okay and I decided to quit even though I didn't know if I would get a job, I was blessed.

May us all believe in Heavenly Father's divine intervention. Let us have the faith to do what makes us happy (that which is parallel to our commandments). And let us leap with arms spread wide when we have no foresight to our future, and trust in the Lord when He says that everything will be alright!

Sincerely,
Aubrey

Feelings About Getting Married Young

So I just got engaged, which means I am going to get married soon. I would have never thought I would get married this young, but I am. I am eighteen years old. I am graduated from high school and am a freshman at BYU and I am getting married young, that is just a fact.

I am not going to lie, I now cringe every time someone asks me how old I am. Not because I am ashamed of my age or the decisions in my life or that I am getting married, but because I am scared to hear their response. I have been told that I am way too young to get married and that I am rushing into things and that I am throwing my life away. Well let me shed some light on my feelings about getting married young.

First, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and we believe that the family (which includes a husband and a wife) is essential to our purpose in life. 

Second, I do not believe in soul mates, I think that there are numerous amounts of wonderful people in the world and many of which would go well together, I do believe in choices though. I believe that we have a choice of who we get to marry and when we get to marry. I chose a wonderful man who I know will love and care for me. I also love him (which I assume is important) more than I can comprehend.

Third, I am getting married in the temple and that is as right as can be for me. In my religious beliefs, we believe that marriage extends beyond this life and is for eternity. Our temples are a place to come closer to our Heavenly Father and be sealed (married) for the rest of time and eternity. I am so excited to go to the temple.

Fourth, I am getting married because I know it is right for me at this time in my life.

I understand that there are concerns for people who get married young, and I respect your opinion if you disagree with me on anything. I just want to say that I have never been so happy in my entire life. I have never felt so at peace with a decision. I am beyond excited to spend the rest of my life with someone I love even though they fart in front of me or sometimes have a booger hanging out. All joking aside I know marriage is a wonderful step in life and I am so excited to take it.

For those of you who do not think marriage is important, I may not be able to change your mind, but marriage has been the most peaceful decision I have ever made in my life. There is nothing more fulfilling in my life than caring for a man so deeply and wanting to serve someone. For those of you who may not have had the chance, I believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to for you in due time.

And to all those who have torn me down and tried to defeat my decision to marry, I am sorry but I AM STILL GETTING MARRIED and am so excited about it. I hope you all realize how important marriage is and there is never a right time, only a right time for you. Marriage is going to be wonderful and I could never imagine a life without my sweetheart.

One of the most beautiful, comforting doctrines of the Lord-one that brings immense peace, happiness, and unbounded joy-is that principle called eternal marriage.

Richard G. Scott

WOW! a lot has changed

Oh my goodness have I had a wonderful week. I have avoided posting anything about my relationship on social media, and not because I am ashamed. But I will say one little thing. I am engaged and I have never been more excited to marry the love of my life. 

I have nothing against sharing a relationship publicly. The biggest reason why I haven't told anyone about my relationship (until I told the world I was engaged) is because of my feelings for my fiancé. I have a special and tender relationship with this man and he means everything to me. The experiences we have had cannot compare to anything else. Never in my life have I cared so deeply for someone. I am having a relationship with him and not with the world. 

I know a lot of people were surprised because a lot of people didn't even know I was dating. Well I was haha. I have followed my heart and I am so excited.

Thinking about these next three months gives me a stomach ache. I am taking 20 credits. And I am supposed to plan a wedding!? Okay. MOM HELP! I know it will all be wonderful though! My mom has been the biggest example to me and I am so grateful to have her. May I just say, my mother-in-law which that word is inappropriate, my second Mama (much better), is wonderful. I am going to have two of the best examples for when I have kids...yay! 

I am a pretty emotional person and when you don't sleep, that adds to your crying...a lot. I have cried quite a bit and sometimes for no reason. I came home one day and my roommates were really concerned and I was just crying for no reason. Sleeping helps contain your emotions. I need to sleep more. I have never really been a cryer until this year. Maybe I am letting it all out. I don't know. 

I just want to say that I know Heavenly Father answers prayers and I know he sends us comfort. I have received comfort throughout all of my struggles and I feel like I am grounded. 

Here is to two thousand fourteen. I know it will be a wonderful year. Wahoo!

It makes sense...right?

I am amazed about how much I have learned about myself by just living and experiencing things on my own. I feel like I have grown up a lot, but that is my opinion. I hope surrounding sources can verify my feelings. (cough cough)...Mom?

Since this blog is named in the brain of aubrey I thought I might share some thoughts that have been racing around in my head today. Maybe you will come to understand me a little bit better through this.

Let's begin the rambling...warning, my brain jumps subjects very fast. It has an average speed of 90 miles per hour.

I was thinking today about how self-esteem works. I eventually came to the conclusion that Christ, our Savior, can give us self-esteem. Seems completely logical to me. He can make our weaknesses become apart of who we are. Through the gospel we have Patriarchal Blessings, and in my life I know that that has contributed to my self-esteem today. But, I was also thinking that self-esteem can come from others and if that is true, destroying someone's self-esteem can come from others as well. Which is a very sad thought, but I have experienced it first-hand. As I am sure most of us have at one point in our life. When I was younger, I was bullied. I have forgiven those people, yet sometimes the way I view myself can be skewed. Anyway how this all comes together. I want to encourage others, I want to be known as a happy person. I expect myself to see the good in others.

Here is one way I thought in my life that I can help contribute to someone's self-esteem.

Imagine yourself a teacher: elementary, junior high, high school, college, graduate school, medical school, hair school, even a church teaching calling. Any kind of teacher. You are required to come up with a learning environment every "X" amount of days for the year. Think about one thing that would boost your self-esteem. If yours is different from mine, please educate me.

What I came up with is this...
If I were a teacher and I needed a self-esteem booster, I think knowing that the students are engaged in my lesson would make me not only feel appreciated but successful in triggering some thought in their brains.

So the challenge: If paying attention in class can boost another person's self-esteem then why not pay attention in class. To take it even further, if engaging in the lesson can affirm a desperate professor of the quality of their class, then why not ask questions that pertain to the lesson material.

For me I think it is important to look at service as not always being one thing. I know I always feel like service has to be mowing someone's lawn, doing the dishes, opening the door, carrying something, baking someone cookies or whatever. When we think about service, how awesome would it be to think "how can I make someone feel loved through my inner actions today?". I am not saying that "physical" service is bad. Perhaps the service that shows charity (the pure love of Christ) is an eternal service.

Just some food for thought.

Overcoming the power of Satan: he is real

There was a time in my life when I had a really hard time with going to church and this is going to sound bad. But if you keep reading it will all make sense. I have always known the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints was the true church. I have always had a testimony. There were times when my faith was shaken and times where I was going through the motions per say, but I know it is true. I have felt that it is true.

I never really fit in with my home ward, I was too mature for the girls my age, but I was younger than all the girls who were at my maturity level. My family has been in the same ward since I was born and everyone knows everything about everybody. I didn't like that. Not because I was ashamed, but I wanted a new start. I loved the gospel but I found church boring. This blog post has been hard for me to write so please understand being this honest is difficult. I broke my back and sitting through three hours was torture and it was easy for me to go home, I had a "valid" reason.

All of those feelings of church being boring and not wanting to go went away the summer after my senior year in high school. Coming to BYU has been the biggest blessing in my life. I grew up in Orem, Utah and needing "gospel friends" wasn't really an issue. Everyone I associated with was a member of the same faith as me. I didn't really have "worldly" problems or physical temptations.

Being at BYU has made me so excited about studying the gospel. I find so much joy in learning about  why I feel the truth and how I know that these things I learn are true. When you are progressing to become your best, Satan tries his hardest to tear you down. This semester I am taking three religion courses, and my first week of school was inspiring. I have never been so excited about the progression and gospel in my life.

I have been making some big and righteous decisions in my life and Satan knew that I was bringing up the Kingdom of God. He hit me so hard, that my life was turned upside down.

Satan attacked me.

I had one little doubt and it ate at me. It grew (within a couple of hours) and made me sick to my stomach. Feelings of doubt and inadequacy soon filled my mind. I knew I wasn't thinking right and I wanted everyone around me to go away, to leave me alone. I have never felt like this in my entire life. Spiritual impressions soon seemed like misunderstandings. Did I really feel that? Was that my own thoughts? I began to feel and rethink on all the mistakes I ever made. I was empty.

I sat in my car just staring. I didn't know what was going on. I was happy just a day before. There were things in my life that I was so excited about, there were people I loved and all I could think about was pushing them away.

My heart ached, and my insides were twisting and turning. It wasn't until I was laying on my couch with a friend sitting right by me that I realized Satan was attacking me. Satan was trying to tear down the spiritual confirmations that I have felt. Satan was angry with me because I was so happy with my life.

To this day I don't know why Satan attacked me so hard. I don't know why it was at that time. I don't know why. I just don't know why. I don't know how I was able to bounce back and realize how wrong I was in thinking I was inadequate. I still feel scared sometimes. Scared because of what is going to happen.

I just want to testify that I know God lives and I know that Satan is real. I have felt the overwhelming feelings of confusion and I have felt that pit in my stomach. I know Heavenly Father helped me overcome the power of Satan. He helped me to get the courage to say no to Satan and the grasp he had on me.

Satan I am sure will attack me again. When you do good things he is mad, he is jealous and he is miserable. I felt miserable when the light of Christ began to dwindle in my time of desperation. But light will always overcome the darkness. The sun rises everyday, diminishing the dark night. Jesus' light will always overcome the darkness of the Devil.

Satan is real, but knowing he is real, Heavenly Father has to be as well.