There was a time in my life when I had a really hard time with going to church and this is going to sound bad. But if you keep reading it will all make sense. I have always known the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints was the true church. I have always had a testimony. There were times when my faith was shaken and times where I was going through the motions per say, but I know it is true. I have felt that it is true.
I never really fit in with my home ward, I was too mature for the girls my age, but I was younger than all the girls who were at my maturity level. My family has been in the same ward since I was born and everyone knows everything about everybody. I didn't like that. Not because I was ashamed, but I wanted a new start. I loved the gospel but I found church boring. This blog post has been hard for me to write so please understand being this honest is difficult. I broke my back and sitting through three hours was torture and it was easy for me to go home, I had a "valid" reason.
All of those feelings of church being boring and not wanting to go went away the summer after my senior year in high school. Coming to BYU has been the biggest blessing in my life. I grew up in Orem, Utah and needing "gospel friends" wasn't really an issue. Everyone I associated with was a member of the same faith as me. I didn't really have "worldly" problems or physical temptations.
Being at BYU has made me so excited about studying the gospel. I find so much joy in learning about why I feel the truth and how I know that these things I learn are true. When you are progressing to become your best, Satan tries his hardest to tear you down. This semester I am taking three religion courses, and my first week of school was inspiring. I have never been so excited about the progression and gospel in my life.
I have been making some big and righteous decisions in my life and Satan knew that I was bringing up the Kingdom of God. He hit me so hard, that my life was turned upside down.
Satan attacked me.
I had one little doubt and it ate at me. It grew (within a couple of hours) and made me sick to my stomach. Feelings of doubt and inadequacy soon filled my mind. I knew I wasn't thinking right and I wanted everyone around me to go away, to leave me alone. I have never felt like this in my entire life. Spiritual impressions soon seemed like misunderstandings. Did I really feel that? Was that my own thoughts? I began to feel and rethink on all the mistakes I ever made. I was empty.
I sat in my car just staring. I didn't know what was going on. I was happy just a day before. There were things in my life that I was so excited about, there were people I loved and all I could think about was pushing them away.
My heart ached, and my insides were twisting and turning. It wasn't until I was laying on my couch with a friend sitting right by me that I realized Satan was attacking me. Satan was trying to tear down the spiritual confirmations that I have felt. Satan was angry with me because I was so happy with my life.
To this day I don't know why Satan attacked me so hard. I don't know why it was at that time. I don't know why. I just don't know why. I don't know how I was able to bounce back and realize how wrong I was in thinking I was inadequate. I still feel scared sometimes. Scared because of what is going to happen.
I just want to testify that I know God lives and I know that Satan is real. I have felt the overwhelming feelings of confusion and I have felt that pit in my stomach. I know Heavenly Father helped me overcome the power of Satan. He helped me to get the courage to say no to Satan and the grasp he had on me.
Satan I am sure will attack me again. When you do good things he is mad, he is jealous and he is miserable. I felt miserable when the light of Christ began to dwindle in my time of desperation. But light will always overcome the darkness. The sun rises everyday, diminishing the dark night. Jesus' light will always overcome the darkness of the Devil.
Satan is real, but knowing he is real, Heavenly Father has to be as well.
You are such a good writer. I loved this post. When I was young, my mom told me satan will attack before you make big decisions. Like mission or marriage in the temple. She told me that is how I will know if I am making the right choice. Satan will become angry and attack, gnashing of teeth and all!
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